ASTRO's LATEST INOVATION.....








Dear PakCik/MakCik,Cucu-cicit(wherever applicable),

We refer to your email,postal mail,personal threats, official visits and kopi-tiam talk at our local mamak On Why the price hike,go fly kite?
*******************************************************
First of all, we would like to thank you for taking the time from your busy TV schedule writing this letter with great emotion.....[Watch OPRAH (Star TV 1.00pm, Weekdays)].Your valuable feedback is essential in our efforts to provide kuali-T(Watch CHEF's TOUR 10pm Tues Discovery Travel Adventure Ch.) servis to our valued $ub$criber$. (NOTICE: PLEASE PAY LAST MONTHS BILL TO AVOID CANCELATION OF SERVICES, PLEASE IGNORE THIS SENTENCE IF YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE SO)

*PEPSI X**PEPSI LITE**7UP ICE (NEW)*PEPSI TWIST*

Please note that the mere increase of RM5 .....[Watch Louise Rukeyser Sun 7.30am Repeats Sat 9pm]....per month is to cater for the increase in programming profits and lack of content in recent years......(Watch Unsolved History,WED 8pm, Repeats 10 pm,Discovery). It is our commitment to continually improve the kuali-T of programmes and channels that you and your family (WATCH HARRY POTTER 2, PREMIERS 30th MAY only on HBO) can enjoy. We are continuously improving (see definition*)our service level to all our subscribers in order to give you convenience and a wider choice of entertainment (package: MTV,Channel V,StarTV)as well as information(package: Discovery, Animal Planet,NGEO).

**KFC**TOM YAM CHICKEN CRUNCH**KFC**TOM YAM CHICKEN CRUNCH**

Unlike Free-to-air television such as RTM NTV7 TV3, programming on multi-channel pay tv like Astro, is far superior, based on the concept of providing convenience and is totally unique(daily, monthly and annual repeats), thus the additional screenings (a more customer friendly term) will enable you to catch and watch your preferred programmes at your suitable time slots even next year.

**McD**FREE FLOAT**WITH EVERY BIG MAC LARGE HAPPY MEAL**FREE FLOAT**

We assure you that this principle is not only practiced religiously in Malaysia (SEE LONELY PLANET GUIDE, Travel & Adventure Ch.) but all subscription television operators around the world follow this cult.We will continue to provide setbacks with the help of our international program providers and we will try to improve our service on our vernacular channels (FREE WITH a minimum 3 MINI PACKAGES ORDER NOW!!!!) in order to give you a wider choice of entertainment(TRY ASTRO @ PLAY TODAY!!!!)as well as new information (NEWS PACKAGE: CNN, CNBC, AL Jazeera,BBC).

**HOTLINK**SMS PLAN<>TALK PLAN**HOTLINK**

In response to your query with regards to the rain outage, you may experience slight interruptions (Watch Tech TV)during bad weather or heavy downfall...(CNN WEATHER REPORT).... This has been an on-going phenomenon to satellite or Direct-to-User TV services using KU-band transmission ...(Watch Generation E, CNBC)....in high rainfall countries like Malaysia....(Watch Discovery and Travel Adv. Ch.)....However, we are continually fine-tuning to ensure that the best of broadcast services are provided to you at all times.

**GET YOUR 2nd DECODER and PAY Half IT's Subscription RATE**exclusive of RM5**

Advertising commercial(PEPSI,KFC,CITIBANK) and on-air promos(Maxis HOTLINK PREPAID)... are always part of Pay-TV monkey business.Please note that our pay TV license issued by the Malaysian Government allow us to monopolize and carry TV commercials and sponsorships. By having programme sponsors and TV commercials, we will be able to bring better quality programmes to the homes such as Golf, Cricket, Boxing and Wrestling(WWE JUDGEMENT DAY, ORDER NOW!!!).

*CITIBANK**MNI INSURANCE**FREE PETROL***RENEW YOUR CREDIT CARD WITH US NOW*

We at Astro are currently complying with the requirements of the Government where advertising commercials in Astro channels are within the guideline set by the Government and Kadir Sheik Fadzir. However, rest assured, your comments and feedback are indeed valuable and adds a new dimension (the TWILIGHT ZONE ONLY ON HBO) to the underpaid research and consumer surveys which we regularly conduct. This help us put together our programming for our viewers.

DAY AFTER TOMORROW**PREMIER's MAY 21st**DAY AFTER TOMORROW**

We thank you for your valuable support and feedback. It has been our pleasure to service you. However, should you need further assistance, kindly contact our Customer Service Centre at 03-9543 4188, which is operational from 8.00 am to 12.00 midnight daily or e-mail to us at custcare@astro.com.my.Please feal free to waste your time sending us junk mails. We will delete them once we are spammed.

(FREE OF Advertising SPACE, Courtesy of ASTRO)

Yours Following ORDERS,
Director of Junk Mails
Complaint Dept. opposite dustbin 102
MINION OF Ananda Krishnan

PS:FOR ADVERTISING NEEDS CONTACT ASTRO @
Tel : 603-9543 6688 extn 8602 or 8603
Fax : 603-9543 0566
********************************************************
PLEASE COPY AND PASTE THE ABOVE SECTION BETWEEN ASTERIXs *and* FOR REPLYING ALL LETTERS DIRECTED to ASTRO

Back to TadikaParliment (DAY ONE)

Badawi: Have you checked your bags?

MPs:Yes

Badawi: Do you have enough crayons and paper

MPs: Uhmmmn

Badawi:How about pocket money

MPs:yes,enough for a lifetime of schooling days

Badawi: Okay, be nice in school. Don't bully lil' Kit Siang and friends
MPs: Oooh What about play time

Badawi:hey, put a way that stuff, how old are you?

MPs:

Badawi:Give it to me.

MPs:


MORE2COME

A Blizzard of Oooze Adaptation ( Kurang Asam's Movie theather)

Coming Soon : Adaptation from The Blizzard of Oooze

Badawi In "One Man's Land" (closest it ryhmes with Wonderland)

Starring :Abdullah "i'm trying 2 be Good" Badawi as mAlice

His Three Side Kicks:
:Maha "i'm still not" Thir as the the Heartless Tin Can
:Ka "it's a tai koh" Ting as the Cowardly Lion
:Sammy "i ain't that" Vellue as the Brainless Scare Crow

Part 1: The Jello Brick Wall

How much farther?" asked the Cowardly Ka ting. He was so exhausted he had to ask his henchmen to hold up his tail. They were paid by the hour, anyway!

Badawi stopped so abruptly that the The Heartless Tin Can Mahathir, nearly bumped into him. Considering he was already hollow inside, it would not hurt Badawi. He gave the lion a withering glare and Cursed the Tin Can as well, "How the hell would I know? It's not like I'm from around here, you know."

"But we'll get to Oooze, yes?" The Heartless Tin Can Mahathir rattled as he spoke. He needed a good oiling, as he was, way past rusty by now....and all the brake oil from Proton (nor Petronas) did not help, one bit.

Not at this rate, Badawi sighed. He knew he should have done this on his own, although it had seemed like a good idea during election time.

He certainly didn't know his way around this strange corrupted land even with the Jello Brick Wall to guide him. They certainly needed his help and at least, and he had some companionship.

But this kind of companionship was not what he had bargained on. "Yes. Oooze has to be close by now." I sure hope it is. "Let's keep crawling or we'll never get there."

"Which way?" the the Brainless Scarecrow Samy asked and Badawi pointed "The road less travelled"

Badawi gritted his teeth. He had never realized traveling with each one lacking a brain, a heart and a set of b*lls respectively, would be so tiresome.

"Since we came from the south of the border, and Oooze wasn't there, it would only make sense to go north up Thailand, wouldn't it?"

"I suppose," the Brainless Scarecrow Samy said, although the expression on his face was a testimony, he had no clue what he was getting into....

(More Cast in Development. Any suggestions are Welcome.Drop some below)

PEPSI X (X stands for too Xtreme for people like Abdul Kadir)

Interlude
Among the rarity in Cabinet , lies a guy who stands out from the crowd with his bow tie. His stupidity can only be matched to that of Samy Vellue. So it seems, the competition for cabinet clown is tough this year, wuth a super size cabinet and all.

This Satire is His Take On the Pepsi Promo (ala Gladiator) and What he would like to be changed.Btw, he should use "VEET" for his legs and go for a photoshoot somewhere........Kurang Asam suggest Timbaktu.....never to return to civilization.

Abdul Kadir against the music

A Rendition of Queen
Kadir Will Rock You

Buddy you're a boy make a big noise,
Playin' on the TV, gonna be a big fart today,
You got mud on yo' face,
You big disgrace,
Kickin' your power all over the place
Singin'

We will we will screw you
We will we will screw you

Buddy you're a middle man gettin the atttention then,
Shouting in the street gonna raise the flag someday,
You got that smirk on yo' face,
You big fat disgrace,
Wavin' your bow tie all over the place


Abdul Kadir On Britney
She's so horny, i'm a star.
But i cry, cry, cry in my looney heart, thinking
If there's nothing missing in my life
Then why do these mood swings come at night

Abdul Kadir on Beyonce
I'm a survior unlike McGyver(Rais Yatim),I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
(what)
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin'.....Badawi's Tender.

Abdul Kadir on Pink
Get this party started on a Sabtu night
Everybody's waiting for me to arrive
Sending out the message to all of my homie friends
We'll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz
I got lots of style check my gold diamond rings
I can go for miles if you know what I mean

I'm coming up so i can crash this party on my turf
I'm coming up so i can crash this party on my turf

Abdul Kadir on Enrique Iglessias
They should have picked Me instead, and i will gladly give them the thumb.
Hail caesarKadir

Abdul Kadir On PEPSI X
Hey, I need my caffeine to get high. Who else can think of all these failed Propagandas.


See Also My Satire Archive On Him


"To bare or not to bare, that's a stupid Question" poet Asam (Sat-A-Lite)

Malaysia threatens to withdraw licences of private satellite operators over "risque" programming and advertisements. The sight of international pop stars Britney Spears, Beyonce and Pink in scantily-lad costumes in a PEPSI Commercial is proving to be too much for the Malaysian Cabinet.- NSTP ......Those horny bananas gets turned on by anything these days.(click the titillating title to see all)

Minister Of Propaganda,Datuk Paduka Abdul Kadir Sheikh Fadzir did not spell out what exactly was considered obscene , as he was already having trouble with the other language . Rojak is not his favourite dish, so too is PEPSI.

Do not go overboard. We will just withdraw the licence if necessary,' he was quoted

'We don't intend to restrict your freedom but it should not be abused,' he warned the stations, adding that they should have a little self-restraint when it came to such matters.

I guess, he confessed it himself (see the bold words).


I Guess, We have every right then, to revoke our Ministers's licence when they go overboard too. What say you, "Mr Idiot Box" Abdul Kadir?

Demokrasi(En.Saikoh-P-idiot Malaysiana ©)

Pronunciation: Demo·crazy

1. Do a Demo (Street Protest) and the Police cum FRU's Will drive you crazy.
..... expect copious amount of black pepper spray.

2. Only time in 5 years whereby UMNO gets to vote a President and Office Bearers using some sort of hipocrasy unlimited democracy that works. No pun competition by the opposition intended.... Only certain Candidates are urged not to participate... Maybe later.

3. General Elections are called Guided Democracy ( as Coined by Mahathir :see idiot)
....whereby the Ruling Party will guide you to vote for them (using various sophisticated tecniques and machineries.)....for your own good and theirs

4. Where Election COmmisioners are paid to screw up and blame it on others for incompetent werk done during election seasons.....part of Guided Democracy.

5. A rise in IC Registration and Phantom Votes that never seem to vote for the opposition.....no matter what happens

6. When Oppositions gets bullied to it's climax during this unspecified season....yet never get "turn ons" by their counter parts.

7. Missing ballot boxes, postal votes, voter registration number.....and even elction commisioners.

8. Mahathir's greatest Achievement by far.


Synonymns:
Recounts,Odd balls, Winner takes all*, One stop solution, 1 week campaign hiatus,Satu Lagi Projek BN, EC Abdul Rashid,Helluva Advertisment, Vote to heaven, Duit Royalty Petronas, Oppositions don't bring Developments.

Antonymns:Mahathir's policy1A ,Human Rights Issues,Town Councils, Bar Councils,

Unverified links: BN Unity?, Media Spotlight?, Bad Opposition?, Development?,Preconceived Outcome? Lat-tali-Lat? Advertisment overdrive? Bias Reporting? Anwar Ibrahim Saga? Unforseen chaos? Fulfilling Manifesto? Phantom Votes? Absolute Power Corrupts?

See also:
1.How the Hell it all began.
2.Why did the chicken cast the vote?
3.3rd Class Mentality, 4th Class Infrastucture
4.One Way Street
5. RM15k Fine for poor Candidate Minority (less than 1/8 of total Votes)



Duit Kopi (An-Saikoh-P-idiot Malaysiana ©)

(coffee money)
Pronunciation: cough·fee ma·ri-

1. Money not deliberately used to buy coffee unless someone else is paying
2. Money use to drive Civil Service Efficency by 15% without filling PNA form 5 (aka The Red Tape ). Close to 90% Efficency is observed,if that civil servant is a nut)
3. Money use to buy/sell Govt Contracts, but not included under income made in govt. bajet. (classy term for VIP's : Sipping Tea)
4. Money use to upgrade Service Quality from Grade 4 to Grade 3 or 2. (Grade 1 is unheard of under normal circumstances)

Synonymns: Coffer's Money,Poket Money, Sipping Tea, Honey Money Pot
Antonymns:Derma(charity), NGO financing sdn. bhd, nepotisme policy1A , OSA ( Official Stupendeous Act ),
Unverified links: Corruption?, Family Business?, Ruling Elite?, Wack-oh Taikoh?
See also:
cookie jar
idioms:Official Protocol Section 9439A Para.698
idioms:3rd class mentality Syndrom
idioms:business as usual
idioms: lifestyles of the not so rich (in theory)yet so famous (in practice)
glossary links will be updated later


Red Tape (En.Saikoh-P-idiot Malaysiana ©)

1. Red tape worm -
A Parasitic Pest that can change a person's working habits from lazy to extremely Tidak Apa (Nothing Doing).The collection or sequence of forms & procedures required to gain bureaucratic approval/ for something something, especially when oppressively complex and time-consuming or plainly nothing nothing. Bottle neck of Efficiency

Who can get Infected: Working Adults of all Ages, Men Are More Prone but Women are not excluded,Civil Servents and Public Service Sector, the Do it tomorrow People (DIT)

How They Get Infected: Disgruntled Workers with Poor Pay Checks, To much Of Coffee/ Tea time Per Day, Following the Crowd, Peers, Happy Workers with too much of Free time- Ministers on Golf Courses, Perks, Privilege, No Superiors.

Symptoms
1. The Urge to take more tea breaks
2. Reprimand by the lazy boss ( Leadership by Example)
3. Self Denial
4. Self Restrained ( see a shrink or sifu)
5.Quiter (dyslexia, Dizzy,Dillusional)
6.Unstoppable

Cure : 3rd class mentality needs revamping, Expecting Promotion/ Pay Raise?


2. Formula
I Ordinary Protocol (aka Red Tape)

Ai x (Nwld-Nwlc X Ndpt) x (Tq + Tt + Tp1......+Tp[n+1]+ Ovf) = Result (positive/ negative)

[Ai,Initial Application] x ([Nwld,Number of Workload]-[Nwc,Number of Workload completed] X [Ndpt,Number of departments]X([Tq, Time quoted in the form] + [Tt, time for tea] + [Tp1, time after 1st reminder/phone call].......+[Tp[n+1],time after N number of reminders/phone calls]+ [Ovf, Overhead Fee Charges] = Result (+)ve or (-)ve


II Duit Kopi Protocol ( Efficieny increased by nominal 15-30%)

Ai x (Nwld-Nwlc +(-Cp) X Ndpt) x (Tq + TtX1/2 + Tp1) Ovf + Nf) = Result (positive mostly)

[Ai,Initial Application] x ([Nwld,Number of Workload]-[Nwc,Number of Workload completed]-[Cp, certain Priority] X [Ndpt,Number of departments]X([Tq, Time quoted in the form] + [TtX1/2, time for tea reduced to half] + [Tp1, time after 1st reminder/phone call]+ [Ovf, Overhead Fee Charges]+[Nf,Nominal Fee aka Duit kopi] = Result (+)ve mostly/b>

III Abdullah Badawi Visit Prottocol( Efficieny increased by nominal 110-200%)

Ai x (Nwld-2xNwlc +(-Cp) X Ndptx 1/2) x (Tq + Tt X0) Ovf + FOC) = Result (positive, feel good mostly)

[Ai,Initial Application] x ([Nwld,Number of Workload]-[2xNwc,Number of Workload completed twice as fast]-[Cp, certain Priority] X [Ndpt x1/2,Number of departments reduced to half]X([Tq, Time quoted in the form] + [Tt X0, time for tea reduced to zero] + [Tp1, time after 1st reminder/phone call]+ [Ovf, Overhead Fee Charges]+[FOC,Free Of Charge] = Result (+)ve mostly, Feel Good

Lesson: it's Good to be Badawi's Friend

Synonyms: Still Pending, Call back later, has been posted, can't find it, I'm a replacement, I'm not sure, contact this person...., Not my dept. , I'm new here.

Antonyms: Your lucky Day, Blue Moon, Abdullah Badawi visit Protocol.

Unverified links:Lazy, mamak influence,sleep/rest deprivation

See also:
3rd Class mentality,4th class infrastructure
If you have read all this and still feel confused, you have just experience a red tape.


Politiks(En.Saikoh-P-idiot Malaysiana ©)
Pronunciation: Poly-ticks (many blood sucking ticks)

1.The art or drama of government/governing, especially the governing of a political entity (emphasis on UNITY), such as a nation, and the administration and control of its internal (ISA) and external affairs (Singapore, Thailand, Indonesia, Fillipines,NAM,OIC, UN, ASEAN, AFTA) .

2.The Ridiculous activities/affairs/Projects engaged in by a government/ politician/ political party:
PROJECTS ON DRAWING BOARD/ At WORK
Singapore Half Bridge..............(the causeway is ugly and causes water stagnation(talk about politicians being environmentalist?),
Bakun Dam..............................(build a dam, and then decide what to do with the excess power
Smart Tunnel...........................(build a tunnel and flood it with water, which incidentally happens no more than 5 times/year,
Alluminium Smelter................... (a damn good reason for building a Dam)

PROJECTS IMPLEMENTED
101 Peanut Butter Highways that still cant fix a JAM
Building PUTRAJAYA Ground UP and making it REAl (oil Palm) ESTATE
Building An AIRPORT in the middle of Nowhere that is yet to meet its required Capacity
Financing Failed Companies
PROTON

PROPAGANDAS That Were Carried OUT...Including Failures
Be A Malaysian and FLy A Flag
BAN ROJAK SONGS
BAN on "risque" commercials/ entertainment that shows skin-no leggy, belly button showcase.
No kissy kissy, holding hands
Dress Properly when going to the beach - Religous Police Making Rounds
Divide and Conquer : Personalized Check Out Counters, Swimming Pools,Watering Holes
No to GAY Policy, YES to TRASVERSTITE BAR/ENTERTAINEMENT POLICY

3.The methods or tactics involved in managing a state or party
See Manifesto, and fulfilling One.

4. Intrigue or maneuvering within a political unit or group in order to gain control (see PBDS, component Parties)

politikus - those who are envolved in the drama of politics

Synonyms:Manifestos and Promises,Ticket to Heaven,Wang Ehsan,Putrajaya, Mahathir, Pak Lah (Mr. Clean),National Policy & Foreign Policy, NIP (nat. Integration Policy)
Bajet Negara

Antonymns :That is not what's happening,ISA,OSA,USA,Working Democracy, DYI & FYI

Unverified Links:Syphon Public Funds,Mega Rejects, Where have all Our Foreign Investors Gone, Dirty (2) Dozen,

See Also:
Work With Me, Not For Me
Cakap tak Serupa Bikin
Turun Padang
Tell me the truth, don't distort it
I'm Back (Kit Siang)


Mamak (En.Saikoh-P-idiot Malaysiana ©)

Pronunciation:Mum·mart

1.Food shop run by a guy/or two, who controls a surrounding radius of 5-15 meters(power influence) along kaki lima (walkways)normally under shaded areas.

2.Personal Convenience Food Stalls along/on road/avenues/junctions due to location, location, location.

3.Menu:Ayam goreng to Tongkat Ali (the drink). Has unique signature food and drinks...Nes-lo Ais (Milo + Nescafe +Ais), nasi goreng pattaya, etc....when closeby another mamak.

4. Has Astro or/and runs 24 hours( 1st class mamak)

5. Place to Sembang-sembang (get together and chit chatty)
Effects
:Alluring-Takes your mind out of office workload, come back somemore
:Mamak treats you like the prodigal son, prepares a meal in your honour....not FOC
:Mamak knows what you like, just give the signal "biasa"(the odinary stuff) if you are his regular/only customer.

Caution
Must have a stomach made of steel sometimes (toilet friendly)
Boss catches you spending too much time overthere.
Pengawas (School Prefects) catches you Ponteng School.

Must have in all Mamaks
Milo/Kopi Ais ( water substitute needed)
Nasi Lemak (non negotiable)
Mee goreng (Maggie Mee + Egg...)
Roti Chanai
A table and 4 chairs each
Proper Utensils to keep the palce running


Apa Nama?(En.Saikoh-P-idiot Malaysiana ©)
What izzit........quick!!! think of something...anything!!!!

1. One of Mahathir's famous one liner
2. When can't think of what else/next to say, he begins the chant...

blah...blah....blah.......Apa nama(1)....Apa Nama(2)...Apa nama(3)....blah...blah

Apa nama (no 2), Apa Nama(no 3) until the next point is mentioned.

Synonyms: Slow Reaction Time (mental reflexs), Wait!!! I'm not done yet!!!, Note to Media: Please don't Include this apa nama in the articles

Antonyms: Apa nama Dodo?

See Also
Mahathir "Apa Nama" Mohammad


Cakap tak Serupa Bikin(En.Saikoh-P-idiot Malaysiana ©)
1. One of Abdullah "I feel Good" Badawi's Many signature PROSE
2. The 11th General "Snap" Election Promo 1
3. Was directed at MPs see full transcript:

... tidak ada tempat dalam pentadbiran saya untuk pemimpin politik yang "cakap tidak serupa bikin" : The Media Component Party, 9 Jan 2004,Abdullah Ahmad Badawi


Synonymns: You Ain't Da Man until You Walk The Walk, and Talk the Talk,and Nod the Nod, Turun Padang, Mesra Rakyat, Basuh Tangan, Mr Squeaky Clean (Bleach Sold Seperately)

Antonymns:Denial Mode, That's not true, False Accusations,Big "Fillet O" Fish Happy Meal?

See Also
No place for Corruption
Work With Me, Not For Me
Tell me the truth, don't distort it
Odd balls
ONE Man Show

Election Commissioner Abdul Rashid: Nut of the Year 2004....salted to perfection


An updated Satire dedicated to him. Yes, I love this guy.

EC Abdul Rashid on being elected chairman of EC
My incompetence makes up for most of my resume. My short memory span makes up for the rest.

EC Abdul Rashid on deserving the medias spotlight
Anyone can be nobody, I am somebody today.

EC Abdul Rashid on bending the rules
I thought the ten commandments were made from rubber tablets.

EC Abdul Rashid on a sick joke
Well if you havent heard any, you are looking at one.

EC Abdul Rashid on promoting equality
You are free to vote, we are free to deny you your vote and its a Sunday. What more do you want?

EC Abdul Rashid on last minute work
I used up all my bathroom priviledges and coffee breaks. Bear with me.

EC Abdul Rashid on taking sides
It is in my job description. See between Ass and Kissing Too Many in the manual.

EC Abdul Rashid on Govt. bullying Opposition campaigners
We are being fair here. Why cant the Opposition start bullying the Govt.?

EC Abdul Rashid on promises for a fair election
I can promise you the world, but please keep reminding me tomorrow. My Secretary Is on Maternity leave when i need her the most.

EC Abdul Rashid on Election Commission's Motto
Don't think what the EC can do for you.
Rather think what you can do for the EC, Ruling Party......and yes Pak Lah

EC Abdul Rashid on picking suitable EC staffs
They were picked from their poor school record. The criterias are:
1. Failed simple algebra.
2. Primary school dropouts. The Cut off point.
3. Caught cheating in examinations more than once. The more the merrier.
4. Able to confuse people with their Public Speaking skills. Being quiet is an added bonus.
5. Able to lie on Demand. Remember a White Lie won't hurt anyone.
6. Not feeling any guilt on the work done. You are just following orders,
They blame you, you blame me , i blame them.
7. Don't ask any questions. When in doubt..think what the EC chairman would do!

EC Abdul Rashid on 7 days election campaign
I was born for this job and you are prepared to show your frustrations.
What are we waiting for? Lets vent it out..... You go first,while i call the FRU's.

EC Abdul Rashid on extending voting time
It is happy hours. Wait. . . No. . .not ready yet. Comeback in 2 hours. Make it 3 just to be safe.

EC Abdul Rashid on too many close calls
The poor phantom voters keep appearing and disappearing. We must wait for them to make up their minds. They come ones in a blue moon, so you have to undestand their habits. They don't leave any trails.

EC Abdul Rashid on BNs victory
It was bound to happen. The odds were against me! Frankly the opposition had a better chance of winning something than me!

EC Abdul Rashid on allegations of being BNs poodle
I am not running a flea circus. It itches though, dont bite me, scratch me...here!

EC Abdul Rashid on electoral fraud
They are there.....somewhere. Dont ask me, I am not even good in finding my own glasses. I am blind, see....*wink* *wink*see!

EC Abdul Rashid on making mistakes
Where can trace back wan? I always write with a pencil!

EC Abdul Rashid on investigating the EC staff
I told them not to write with a pencil.
They told me" think what would EC chairman do!
I told them "Smart Choice"

EC Abdul Rashid on voting strategy
1..We didn't encourage voters to use pencils. But they insisted......... for our sake.

2...Okay, those voting for the Opposition, come this side......here is a pencil for you. Compliments of EC.

EC Abdul Rashid on pleading sanity
EC Abdul Rashid: I need a certificate from a Royal Commission. I need a second opinion. I trust them more than i trust my shrink!

EC Abdul Rashid on pleading not guilty
I was given the mandate because I am just that damn good at what i do. They trust me, you should too!.

Rafidah's Trade Secrets.


Trading With The Deville
......singing while Playing Blackjack at the Moment.

Rafidah:Hit Me Baby One More.

Deville:You mean poke me one more time.We don't say hit me here because we use Prongs. You hit or get hit on Earth.

Rafidah:I guess, Samy is doing well in the Hit N Run Dept then.

Deville:That Guy, always blaming God for his Failures so much, that i got a Memo to include him in The Honor's List.

Rafidah:What List is That? Well, He Finally gets graduated.

Deville:VVIP's (Veri Vicious Idiotarian Plebian).He gets inducted to Hell.

Rafidah:I' cant wait to tell him personally.I'll sing it to the Scooby Doo theme.

Samy,Samy veLooooo, Where are U?
It's time to go to hell now!

Deville:Well, i guess you have to wait for your turn.

Rafidah:When is he coming?

Deville:Who...Jesus?

Rafidah:No silly, ....samy.

Deville:Not long, The fourth landslide he passes by, will do the charm.

Rafidah:I guess he is a disaster waiting to happen.

Deville: Yeah, Now the joke is On him. Get it, On Him.

Rafidah: Ya,ya,ya.What about me, am i a VVIP too?

DEville:No, you are in the GDP (Glutton Dough Plebian)

Rafidah:Nuff,Can we get back to our Game here.

Deville: So..If you win i Will throw in the million hp air-conditioner into your mansion here.

Rafidah:Any word, when I will move in?

Deville: You can't wait eh?. But you will see the signs of times.......on Financial Times.What is your wager?

Rafidah:I will be your Trade Secretary. I can increase the Heat here to that rapper Nelly' tune...

Its gettin hot in here (so hot).So take off all your clothes.I am gettin so hot, I wanna take my clothes off.

Deville: Hold it, I'm not the least bit tempted here. Give me something useful.

Rafidah:Okay, I'll make minions work twice the speed for half the cost.

Deville:How do you do that?

Rafidah:Simple since there are no Trade Unions here. A low Malaysian Ringgit can Get you 4 times the workforce. But they will all take twice as much coffee breaks. Because they are 4 times as many but twice as slow,...so they work at twice the speed.

Devill: We don't Serve Coffe here.We have Virgin Vinegar. Freshly squeezed and Hot.You will learn to like it. Hell, it's the only taste you will ever know.

Rafidah: Ace of Black Hearts. Queen of Spades....21....I Win

Deville: That's because the Suite suited you.You won't be lucky next time.

Rafidah:I also want 30 Minions to do my bidding

Deville:You already have enough minions on earth

Rafidah:Yeah but their shell life is pretty short.I'm talking about the my post retirement plan here. So hows my offer?

Deville:You have to wait in line.Mahathir has tempted me already.

Rafidah:How Tempting, Could it be?

Deville:He nominated himself to be the Lifetime Advisor to Hell Inc.

Rafidah:Not fair.

Deville:That's why i like him. He said he already gathered a bunch recruits to work for me here.Your name was in too. You should have thought twice about sharing secrets with me. I don't keep any.

Hishamuddin gets educated........after much tears were shed

Pak LaH:Go forth, and educate the masses. The force is strong in you, my son.

{sound, strong}Pooooth.
Hish': Excuse me, must be the onion goreng (fried) I had this morning.

Pak LaH: So that tells me how you cried like a baby ........when we won the elections. I was wondering why you went crying to my wife, when we already knew the results.

Hish: Well, I was inspired by Mahathir to let it all go. I was in touch with my inner childhood. If I ever got ousted I would do the same, though no one can outdo him.

Pak LaH: Well I did! And you still remain a baby. A Cry baby

Hish:: Thats because you kept silent when you were Deputy PM. No one, even knew that you were there, in Cabinet meetings, Official functions etc.

Pak LaH: I was sitting just beside him. Must be Mahathirs Mouth and Aura. It had a mind of its own. You know how he likes to listen to his own voice even in the dark. Cuckoo Guy.
As for me, I went on a Quiet Strike and He gave up on speaking to me! As they say Silence is Golden....I am still cashing in now!

Hish: So you did the ultimate ass kissing without the noise or special effects. Not a bad technique!

Pak Lah: So the Education Portfolio is yours.

Hish: I wont disappoint you sir.

Pak LaH: Dont worry, someone will! They always will!

Hish: Why are you giving me such a huge responsibility?

Pak LaH: Its a cycle of life, all PMs start in the education dept. Though they dont learn much there but try to screw it up.

Hish: So, I am going to be PM one day.

Pak LaH; No, you are going to screw it up today. Do I have a choice here?

Hish: When should i submit my report card?

Pak Lah:Er..........See me during recess...............Dont forget to buy some keropok from the kantin makcik (lady). Reminds me of the good old days, when I was Education Minister.

Kurang Asam interviews Najib

KA: Welcome, and congratulations on whining big in the elections. And of course being annointed as Deputy PM.

Najib: tank-you, i could have done it without my man in arms and their votes. On being deputy PM, i would like to thank Mahathir for insisting Pak Lah why he had no options.

KA:It came with the deal of being PM?

Najib:Precisely.He's been flogged like a goverment mule. I give this quote an absolute floggin!

KA: Boy, you look much bigger down the waistline since the last time I saw you.

NAJIB: Must be the defense Portfolio I'm holding now.Lot's of drills everyday.

KA:Apa Drill?. Korek hidung? Korek Telinga? Need I mention more? Is there any hole where your finger isn't in?

NAJIB: I'm a gold digger you mean.

KA: Is it true that the toughest 4 years of your life was the 3rd grade....er being Education Minister?

Najib:Yes it was the lowest point in my life. Here's a RM50 if you can forget it.

KA:Come on, i'm sure you can bribe more, cheapskate. So how are the arm forces?

NAJIB: Well. Never have you seen, such multi racial and ethnical diversity.

KA: Hello....are you talking about the man in arms or the weapons they use?

Najib: I'm not a racist like Mahathir, I hate everyone equally!

KA: Any dangerous drill you got yourself into?

Najib:Hey, I drank milk that was a DAY past the expiration date. Now THAT is Extreme!

KA:So do you have any other privileges

NAJIB:Only if I am good

KA: In other words, fat chance-lah.

NAJIB: I always play see-saw with the retired Generals.Sadly,I Never left the ground.

KA:Such a pity, probably another unexplained law of nature. And what are we thinking sending some one in a rocket? We should send you for a ride. A One way ticket ride.
I heard DAP offering a strip down deal. You get to choose a partner to accompany you for the same price.

NAJIB:Now that's a bargain. I will be glad to. But who is going to lead the country when I am gone?

KA: We are sure to find many others who match your competence and skills.

NAJIB: But you cannot find another Najib

streamyX (Part1)


Put the X faktor in surfing. . . . and put others out of business.

. . . . .so you want to go online, huh? You came to the right place, considering you dont have much of a choice. First you have to agree with our TERMS N CONDITONS. If you are still undecided as to why you MUST choose us read on.

-Our Internet Broadband is 10 X faster than dial up* (Actually 9.143 X and that is on hypothetical days)

-Our Line is always ON* (most of the time and except under the guise of service maintenance protocols)

-High-speed connectivity/ bandwidth* ( faster than the speed of Sound, which anyone can beat these days)

-The service is ideal to support most of broadband's applications * ( dont say we didnt warn you on the definition of most)

-Service Support also known as Customer Interaction Center .Where interspecies communication is just a phone call away. Our underpaid phone monkeys are learning how to cope with Human Behavioral Patterns. So say sloooooooowly. Monkey talk helps. Just dont provoke them by saying funky monkey, want a banana?

- It's Steamy and it is rated X what more do you need? Everyone seems to be excited over the letter X, shouldn't you?

- Only broadband you will ever have or ever need. So live with it.

Made your mind up yet? Now pause that thought and Click Brainwash Me to proceed.

TM Net (Part 1)
Here 2 Surf U

Who will benefit most from TM Net services?
Basically, the service will benefit mostly those:
- Who loves service disruptions.
- Who dont like to complain, the Silent Majority( Tidak Apa) ones.
-Who never knew the task of service operators and vice versa.
-Who accepts TM Net as a way of life. And subscribes to its motto religiously.

TM Net Motto (a.k.a. Prophecy): Please Standby

TM Net's Commitment: A marriage made in Heaven: For BETTER or worst......Standby Me (Marketing Campaign's Idea)

.Who thinks TM Net stands for Trade Mark for interNet protocols.
.Who thinks TM Net is mans solution to cheaper things to come. No frills surfing. A legal Strip Joint.
.Who thinks fixed rates means fixed services quality. Expect no more but certainly expect more of less.
.Who thinhk being Skimpy is sexy and the in thing today. R ya down wit me bradda?
.Who thinks Monopoly is good for customers, always keep the Get out of Jail card in your pocket.
.Who believes"talian hayat"(lifeline) is only made-up for the tv show Who want to Be a Millionaire.
.Who wants to Be a Communist.




Ps having Problems with My commas, quote/unquote since the mods

TM Net (Part 2)
Highlight Of the Month............same as Last Month and Next Month

Friday, April 02, 2004
TEMPORARY SERVICE INTERRUPTION HIGLIGHT 01

Please be informed that due to technical difficulties, 1-300-88-9515 our Customer Interaction Center number is currently unavailable.

In Other words. We can't bare to hear you Blah Blah Blah when service is down. We, the under-paid phone monkeys of TM Net are taking the week off. There are free Bananas at the Zoo. Keeek Keeek KeeeK

Our Customer Representatives will be able to serve you again shortly. In the meantime, please e-mail custcare@tm.net.my for any further assistance.

TM Net's Dictionary Of Obscure Meanings

short•ly Pronunciation (shôrt lee)
adv.

1. In a short time; soon ( space of a month, or next full moon or blue moon whichever comes last)
2. In a few words; concisely(press 1 for YES, press 2 for NO, please standby )
3. In an abrupt manner; (.....................beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.beep.beep.beep)

Please feal free to waste your time sending us junk mails. We will delete them once we are spammed.


We apologize for any inconvenience.

inconvenience \In`con*ven"ience\, n. [L. inconvenientia inconsistency: cf. OF. inconvenience.]

1. The incompetent quality or condition of being inconvenient,awkwardness of the arrangement (you must be joking..see our TERMS n CONDITIONS under Incompetence is not an issue)

2. That which gives trouble, embarrassment, or uneasiness; disadvantage; anything that disturbs quiet, impedes prosperity, or increases the difficulty of action or success;(A Malaysian Kulture,embarrassment is negligible, pay bill first)

3. The Experience of being Conned

In other words we should feel sorry for ourselves, but then who is going to feel sorry for you?


TM NET ARCHIVE

Thursday, March 18, 2004 TMNET STREAMYX SERVICE INTERRUPTION - MARCH 21ST
Thursday, March 11, 2004 TMNET STREAMYX SERVICE DISRUPTION - MARCH 14TH 2004
Tuesday, March 09, 2004 UPGRADING EXERCISE FOR TM NET SERVICE - MARCH 10TH & 11TH 2004 -
Friday, March 05, 2004 TEMPORARY SERVICE INTERRUPTION - MARCH 6TH
Wednesday, March 03, 2004 SERVICE UPGRADING & MAINTENANCE March 4th 2004

And that's for March alone

TM NET SERVICE DISTRUPTION
Maintenance work to enhance the service performance .......... check our dictionary for a clearer definition......MORE2COME

Colour Me Bad

Something, funny poped in my mind, whan i was reading a letter in malaysiakini. The last paragraph of the letter states in malay:

Hijau Ditanggalkan, Merah Dipadukan, Biru Diperangi.



When translated in english reads:

Throw The Green's away , Reunite The Red's together, Fight against The Blue

The writer meant:Tanggalkan Pas, Padukan DAP, Perangi BN
Throw Pas, Reunite DAP, Fight against BN

When Kurang Asam translates:

Throw the Environmentalists, Reunite the Communists, Fight against Porn

|

A tale of 2 Cleaners

PAK LAH: See, I told you I would clean house…..Parliament House. I did my housework (research).

LKS: Well you got the upper handle of the broomstick this time, don’t count on it always. We see who will use it, best.

PAK LAH: I’ll make it extra long, so you can't reach it!

LKS: What about your promise to sweep corruption. You can sweep the dirt under the carpet, but they will still be there!

PAK LAH: Probably the carpet needs to be changed. A bigger carpet is always better, don’t you think?

LKS: It may look good and feel good….to rub your shoes on the rug, but who is going to clean your footprints?

PAK LAH: No need shoes wan! I will leave my shoes outside the office, Asian Values comes handy.

LKS: Assuming you can come to office on time.

PAK LAH: I have double responsibility. I finish my housework before I start my office work.

LKS: Well, I will keep my eyes on you, every stroke of the broom, every dirt you miss. Happy Sweeping.

PAK LAH: Indeed, I will sweep for more votes, and put you out of business for good!

LKS: We will see who offers better service. Mine is much more cheaper.......can do more work for the same price


o------------ss------------o

SITE TEST>>>TESTING ..1 ..2...3
LEARNING MY ABC's of Blog-o-nomics

Kurang Asam interviews Samy Vellu, Minister of Coffee Werks

KA: I couldn’t tell you how much I feel right now, interviewing you, sir!

SAMY: A million Bucks Eh?

KA: No, definitely a whole lot less!

SAMY: How much less?

KA: Well I think, you should pay me, to interview you.

SAMY: You want to interview me or not?

KA: Well, you can spare me the trouble, but since I paid RM35 to get here, I rather waste my time. I will continue. What makes you so different then other politicians?

SAMY: Well, people come, and people go…….but I don’t. I’m here to stay for good

KA: Why do you want to stay? Isn’t life of retirement much easier?

SAMY: Yes, but I’m a man on a mission.

KA: I rather say….you are like a man on Commission.

SAMY: I want to touch the lives of the Indian community.

KA: ….and then will you go? Is this one of your, Touch N Go policy.

SAMY: Yes, after a 30 year political mileage, I have to top up now, for the next 30

KA: Next 30? If only you can live so long.

SAMY: Don’t worry; I am financing to clone myself. A Minnie Vellue

KA: Ha..ha..ha.. So will it be half your size, half a brain and half the hair….is there anything left up there?.

SAMY: Don’t touch the hair issues okay. It is a sensitive issue.

KA:I'm talking about your brain. Do you go to a hairstylist?

SAMY: What?

KA: You know, where people with hair go? Okay.... back to the topic, what makes you so infamous in the political circle?

SAMY: Well there are several reasons. Firstly when motorists think of tolls, they think of me! I’m verri … verri Touched, but I will Go…..on.

KA: Ha..ha…ha.. It’s not the toll that counts but the amount you pay to get past it. What else?

SAMY: Secondly because I’m the funniest guy in the cabinet! Even Abdul Kadir has a hard time entertaining everyone! That’s why he is wearing a bowtie, just wants all the attention for himself.

KA: Wouldn’t this make Cabinet meetings a Political Circus?

SAMY: Not really, Parliament is a circus. We have the greatest number of clowns per square meter! That’s why we make balloon animals, when the opposition asks tough questions. It seems to work well in distracting them!

KA: Then what about the cabinet?

SAMY: Cabinet is Bodek Session

KA: More like B.S

Samy: We prove our loyalty to No.1 and are rewarded handsomely.

KA: what point system do they use?

SAMY: We called it Premier Rewards. With this rewards, we can cash in with contacts, phantom votes and open a door of opportunity.

KA: More like a door of plundering! Tell me what about your winning streak in Sungai Siput? You proved your critics wrong didn’t you.

SAMY: Well I buried my two opponents in Sugai Siput alive. The people didn’t know who of the two were better, so they decided to stick with me.

KA: Being buried alive in 10k or so phantom votes is not a good omen. It is a poor sign, in the spirit of competing.

SAMY: I believe that spirits can vote too. They have equal rights, so don’t dismiss them or they will haunt you!Boooh!

KA: Well, if you can’t place your trust in the living, why not place them on the dead isn’t it?

SAMY: Precisely, my people have failed me.

KA: What? We still see a rot in the social lifestyle of the marginalized and poor Indians. What have you to say about this situation?

SAMY: They are watching too much of Tamil movies. Life is not like Tamil movie, it is like a drama.

KA: So now, you are asking them to watch Tamil dramas. Will it solve anything?

SAMY:I hope so.

KA: What drives you to work for the rakyat?

SAMY: I believe I still can contribute towards community building.

KA:…......and don’t forget toll building too.

SAMY: I am a problem solver. The number of cars are inversely proportionate to the number of tolls. Increase the tolls, you reduce the number of cars. Smart ah?

KA: Some say you are the problem too. Can you solve that? Tell me the truth, the reason you come to work, is to avoid Datin Indrani’s nagging at home, right?

SAMY: No comments.

KA: There are many disgruntled motorist out there, why so?

SAMY: Disgruntled motorist are a nuisance…..that’s why we adopted Touch N Go, no waste of time, no hassle, no receipts.

KA: That’s not the problem. The problem is the number of tolls out there and how much you have to pay to get somewhere.

Samy: Well we subsidize some of it and if you are not happy, you can always use public transports.

KA: Well, you have just added more disgruntled motorist turned pedestrians to your wish list……or death wish. Speaking of publicity, we see that whenever you are on TV, something bad is to be announced.

SAMY: Well, I have to justify to motorist why paying more is good for them..............and us.

KA: What about the MAIKA scandal? Where has all the money gone, long time ago?

SAMY: Another act of god. I am just cursed dealing with bad luck.

KA: Well, I hope the shareholders will buy that. Good luck in surviving another new term in office

SAMY: Teri-mah Kaseh.

o------------ss------------o

Bow Tie Lover- Represents Minority in Cabinet

Abdul Kadir Get his own forum

The New Minister of Disproportion: Abdul Kadir Sheikh Fadzir (AK) first week

in office with his Spin Dr. (SD)

AK: Psst. So what did the public thinks about me?

SD : Sir, they want you to drop that stupid bow tie, for good sir.

AK: Stupid, you call it stupid

SD: No sir, that's public opinion only. We always love you, as long as we are paid.

AK: This bow tie is the source of all my power. So do something about it.

SD: No prob, sir we can always increase the percentage points of those who think you are Mat

Kool.

AK: So what's the percentage points of this sophisticated group?

SD: 5% sir, mostly from the senior citizen group, nutty proffessors and the tie-haters society

AK: Well this is not good enough, i have an image to uphold to, you know!

SD: It's only a public opinion polls sir, we can always decide the outcome.

AK: good and run a " adopt a bow-tie" campaign in the media.

SD: want any mascot, to campaign for you sir?

AK: how about Colonel Sanders, throw in special deals with KFC to sponsor him.

I always hated that clown from McDonalds, he is a tie-lover.

SD: Brilliant sir, you are simply brilliant

AK: I know, sometimes I outdo myself. Now has Fernandez call to apologize.

SD.: No sir, he said he doesn’t need to take your advice anymore.

AK: How Dare He?

SD: He said, that since you switched jobs, he doesn’t care who the hell you are.

AK: Run An Ad that says flying with Air Asia is like flying for free.

SD: will it work sir? the last time you tried the stint with Pas, DAP won Big.

AK: trust me, I’m never wrong

SD: er….sir you are never right either!


o------------ss------------o

Xtra Cabinet Shelving Space

Pak lah goes on an IKEA shopping spree ..........to fix his ageing cabinet

cost figures in M(10^6)[ overhead charge included- so much for Du it U'r Self]
extra shelves for cabinet(4X50)...[on offer: buy 1 free 1] .................................= 200 [he needs only 4, yet now he has 8,Malaysian Economics]
A box of sandpaper( to remove blemish the hard way)........................................= 2
A 5" brush( a tool used to cover irregularities)......................................................= 5
A can of laquer(making things look natural and organic,yes even deadwoods.....= 12
A can of thinner(makes things shine for ever).......................................................= 8
T............................................................................................................................=227M

At check out
Pak Lah:Here.charge it to my Mastercard
Cashier:Sir,you are short of 5M(10^6)
Pak Lah: Say, your brother wants any tenders, or not? I just made them open.

................So he goes back to Putrajaya. First he stops by at Samy's Office. He sells Samy the extra 4 shelves he was pestering. Samy now has room to accomodate PPP for thanksgiving..................slaughter.


Now he is ready to fix his cabinet. Adds the extra shelves. Does the finishing touches. Wallau !

PAK LAh : there,good as new!Now i can place my precious.............. glass ornaments i received.

few minutes later....
The shelves began to fall one by one...........and there goes his ornaments with it.

PAK LAh :aaah........my precious 8)


cost of not replacing old hinges....................priceless

cost of not insuring precious.........................nothing. Plenty more in Petaling Street.


For your every needs, use Mastercard
...and if your Mastercard is maxed out, use Pak Lah's. He has Premier Edition

Pak Lah says: Don't worry, i'm givin till it hurts. Adoi!

O------------------------ss-----------------------------O

New Possibilty of An improved Incompetent Cabinet
Speaking of Politics i got some good positions Pak Lah can fill up in his Cabinet Line up.

Samy may be famous for touch n go works. But he met his match in Mr. Abdul Rashid. This guy was a nobody 2 weeks ago, now he has his name in the BOLEHWOOD WALK OF SHAME

A new Ministers post For SAMY?
MINISTER OF HIT N RUN or Natural Disasater- just like him,waiting to happen

So What about MR BODEK himself, EC's Proud 2 be a certified nut, Mr. Abdul Rashid
I found a unique position for him
MINISTER OF LOST N FOUND. And don't expect to find him either!


Other Incompetent Ministries
Minister of Megalomaniacs – Overseeing Mega Projects and seeking solutions to siphon out public funds for personal gains.Proud Werks:
Singapore Half Bridge..............(just because the causeway is ugly and causes water stagnation(talk about politicians being environmentalist?),
Bakun Dam..............................(build a dam, and then decide what to do with the excess power
Smart Tunnel...........................(build a tunnel and flood it with water, which incidentally happens no more than 5 times/year,
Alluminium Smelter................... (a damn good reason for building a Dam)

Minister of Public Scrutiny -Image makeover- free beauty tips, make ups, face lifts, hair extensions (samy ?),titles, and proper media portrayal of MP’s. Don’t forget free laundry service( extra bonus due to Mr. Clean’s Tenure). Bring your own detergent.

Minster of Public Intimidation -Anything a threat to the government/ruling party is considered first and foremost, a threat towards national security. Produce threats to reduce them (others). Sends out Ka Tings, royally forgivable tai'koh's (MCA= Muggers Can Associate).Sends whistleblowers to Ka-mun-Ting (Ka Ting's HQ)

Minister of Self Defense- no martial arts here, just protecting the precious lifes of MP’s , armored cars, bomb shelters, yes even start WWIII if the need arises. Also povides Catering services.....well we can''t see them starve to death, can we?

Minister of Trick or Treats – no, not Santa’s helper, no need to be nice here, even bad boys get what they want. For people with special needs (Financially Cacat), Corporate bailouts, retirement packages, you name it.

Minister of Disproportion – Half truths, Whole lies? Making “No Agenda” An Agenda. Provides Spin Doctors for disposal. Works closely with the media. Cover-ups and Scandals here today, gone tomorrow. Samy is a valued customer here.

Minister of Coffee Works- Provides all the red tapes needed to run effectively. Including tea schedules and personal golf trainers. A Refreshed Mind boost Productivity! No complaints here.

Department of Counter Reproductive Action ( No not the morning after pill, but the checks and balance for the above mention ministries)

Minister of Post-Mortem – Undoing what Minister of Disproportion did. Sort of an X-Files minus the aliens .Ie initiating ACA, Inquiry commission,Royal Inquiry Blah.Blah.(inquirers on Cafeine overdose) etc.

Ministry of Propaganda- giving the “Shiok” and "Aww" treatment, Overrides Minister of Disproportion. Improving brainwashing techniques and beating the livin “you know what” out of you. Now you know why we cepat lupa ? Comes handy during election season.

Ministry of Muttawa Prevention of Vice and Uphelding Virtue Saudi Arabia DBKL style- Now Comes with court orders and Printing Press Publicity just for the kicks. DBKL reminds you not to hold hands in Public

ka2004 |

WINNERS N LOSERS

..and the Oscar for Best foreign screenplay

The day I became El Presidente

Synopsis- A loving dictator learns to share power with his deputy( something strange, yet, after much crying, he gave in!). Pak Lah eventually succeeds him. He banked on his good values and winning personality, unheard of in the political arena.

He was an instant hit. More Like Instant Noodles......minus the Noodles. His name was synonymous for everything clean and good, politic's answer to a prophet. Throngs of people loved him. Sure...... there those who hated him, but they were made irrelevent..........and were given the "cold" treatment by the media.

They even forgave his party, who has committed multiple atrocities towards them before.......The people went to vote and made him El Presidente.

Now what's the odds of that?. Simply Astronomical.............that's what the Astrologist said......It was a Monkey year anyway.He won a bigger mandate...........following every rules known to man from the book. He even made one guy cry.........because Pak Lah took something dear from him.

He intended to treat the rakyat for a few surprises. The rakyat waits with full expectation, saying "give hime a chance lah" or "Maybe tommorrow", maybe next week. To cut short they and the media were on opium drive. They sure don't know what hit them.


The Oscar for Best Actor goes to..

Abdullah "I feel Good" Badawi -on his portrayal as Mr. Clean (Bleach sold separately! Yalah, then how are we going to make a living?)

Winning speech

Thank you; you don't know how much this means to me and my crew, really! You could say that i really cleaned house..................Parliment House that is.

And yes it was tough portraying Mr. Clean, but it paid off. I followed a simple plan which I learn in tadika. Here it goes.......bangun pagi, gosok gigi, cuci muka, makan pagi....... I also wash my own clothes, and iron them till wrinkle free. I did all the house work when my wife was away in the states.

I would like to share this award with my spin doctors, media editors, and my supporting actors and actresses. Not forgetting also, my mentor Dr. Mahathir for putting words into my mouth and planning my character profile.

I would also like to thank the ordinary folks who felt good........ yet didn't know what's coming. For them, i say.......waitlah... i still can't come to work early, it's just too damn early.If anyone is wondering....... No, I did not have any foreign relations with that EC chairman.

A personal note goes to all the losers in the house tonight. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes or selipar, whichever you may prefer. Better luck next time.........i bet you can count on that!It's never too late to come Clean.


The Oscar For Best Screenplay goes to....

Spin doctors from the Ministry of Disproportion.

Accepting (or Overriding) on behalf of them is the Ministry of Propaganda for Best Brainwashing Techniques in voting strategies.

Winning Speech.
Thank you, I couldn't have done this without Kasitah Gaddam, Eric Chia and EC's Abdul Rashid. This award and my sympathies goes to them. Heck, what am i kiddin?. I'm not paid to feel sorry......that's why we have the media.


The Oscar for Best Cinematic moment is a tie.........

Abdullah's take on The EC and Abdul Rashid

Pak Lah: No. I did not have any foreign relations with that EC. How can I? I am straight lah.

.....and....
EC Abdul Rashid take on BN's Victory

EC Abdul Rashid: It was bound to happen. The odds were against me! Frankly the Opposition had better Odd's at winning something than me.....What to do? If Anyone Ask for me.....just say i'm hiding in a pote-hole somehere at the moment.


The oscar for best cinematic special effects

Samy Vellu for providing a landslide trice, two natural disaster and. another man.....er phantom-made (politically correct) in winning his state seat effortlessly.An Act of God no Doubt!

Winning speech
Samy : I thank Krishna and My Lucky star.... Twinkle. Thank you to the Spirits......esp. Casper my friendly Ghost. I' will continue to serve disgruntled motorist and justify why more is good for them....and us!

And

The media who labored tirelessly to bring all the feel good statistics, economic breakthroughs and developmental issues the people never thought they had................and probably never will!

Winning Speech
Read the Newspaper or watch tv more often. Don't read Malaysiakini, they mock us in broad daylight!They raise the bar too high for us! What to do? We are vertically challenged. Just don't call us midgets.


Coming soon to theaters near you
The Emperor has no clothes...................it's okay, he has the media
O---------------------ss--------------------------O

Post Oscar Wrap Party
.......and as about now... Najib is going on a victory parade in a Polish Tank on Putrajaya Boulevard (in front of that "palace of justice"), giving a 5 gun salute to Pak Lah...

1......for winning lah..what else
2......For living Mahathir's Dream
3......For trickin' the rakyat twice in a row, aiyah.
4......For Democracy and all its travesty
5.......Pak lah Boleh....tipu jugak


.......... .Don't expect him to return it to the army ; )D


Now they can spend a few hundred thousand on the tank najib "borrowed".............and 25 million on the tiles he just destroyed. Sigh,